Match Dot Come On Guys, What's a Girl Got to Do to Find a SomeoneDecent?

Some of you might know that for the last few months I've been on match.com looking for someone to be potentially my first ex-husband (I'm joking, mom) and it's kind of been a disaster. While I know many people who have had luck finding someone online, for some reason, that has not been my case, so in an effort to find a silver lining in almost everything, hopefully you'll be entertained by my experience.

I want to first say, I do not have ridiculously high standards so it's not like I'm looking for something that doesn't exist. I honestly just am looking for someone who likes to be active and is passionate about living a healthy lifestyle. They don't have to look like David Beckham (but that would be a huge plus if they did) and they don't have to make a ton of money (it's been proven that I am not a gold digger), they just can't look at me funny when I voluntarily wake up early on the weekends to go to the gym or do a race. They also can't look at me funny when I order a burger minus the bun or refuse to eat processed food and then start ranting about how factory farms and Monsanto are ruining us all. 

That being said, I still have three weeks left on Match before my subscription runs out and if you want to get my attention, here are a few tips:

• Don't have bad facial hair. I'm not talking about the chops you grew out for Movember, I'm talking about that disgusting soul patch or chin growth you have going on. Hi the 90s called, they want their facial hair back
• A lot is two words and please use the correct form of your, you're, their, there and they're. I get we all make mistakes, but if your entire profile or Match email is full of spelling or grammar errors, clearly you need to retake eighth grade language arts
• On the topic of language arts, please do not use phrases such as "how r u doing?" or "ur" - if you can't even make an effort to type a few extra letters, that tells me you probably can't make the effort to put dishes in the dishwasher or put the seat down
• Any kind of smoking is a deal breaker. Sorry. Unless you've been living under a rock for fifty years, you know it's bad for you and no, you don't look cool doing it. Also, don't try to pull the "I only smoke when I drink" line on me because I am going to think you're even stupider 
• Please do not send me an impersonal email that you copy and paste to every other girl you email on Match. I work in PR and I know how that works (mail merge pitching anyone?)
• Do not send me a message at 10:30 at night asking me what I'm up to. I wasn't born yesterday and I'm sorry, but I am not going to go to some random dude's house that I just met on the internet. If you're looking for that, try Craigslist casual encounters 
• Under my "faith" I have listed agnostic. That's super cool that you are into church and down with the G.O.D. but to me, religion is a personal choice and I honestly don't care who or what you worship or pray to, just don't be a jerk and please don't try to convert me. I also realize that I live in the south and I am definitely in the minority, so I am open to dating someone who doesn't have the same beliefs as me. That being said, when you have it in your "About Me & Who I'm Looking For" section that you're looking for a girl who can go to church with or grow with in your relationship with God, I'm probably not the girl you're looking for. But if you're looking for someone who will meet you after church for Sunday brunch and you don't mind that I just came straight from the gym dressed in Lululemon, let's talk
• If I don't respond to your message, it's because I'm not interested, so continuing to message me and then getting angry with me for not responding isn't going to help your cause. It kind of tells me you have anger issues
• Lastly, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not send me a message that starts off by saying I bet I can kick your ass in the pool, in running, on the bike, in CrossFit, etc...because there's a 90% chance that I have a higher pain tolerance than you and could run your ass ragged. Plus, that  screams you have low self esteem if you're bragging about how fast/strong/good you are to a complete stranger

Thankfully the Match dates I have been on haven't been a disaster. I met this one guy who does Ironmans and he was super nice, but that spark just wasn't there. I also went out on two dates with a guy who I thought was pretty attractive and I thought we were hitting it off until the subject of tattoos came up. Not sure how it came up, but he was the one who brought it up so I thought I'd just be honest and throw it out there that I have three tattoos, not a big deal - all in which you cannot see when I'm wearing pants or a maxi dress, so it's not like I have a huge face or neck tat or even a sleeve! Well I might as well have said I had chlamydia and I don't believe in taking antibiotics so I'm going to let my immune do its thing and try to fight it off because he couldn't have ended the date any quicker once I put it out there that I have some ink. Correct me if I'm wrong but isn't it 2013 and isn't it something like over 50% of our generation has some sort of tattoo or piercing? I am sure he's also the type of guy who got super upset when DOMA got overturned last month.   

Anyways, I'll be sure to keep you all posted on my last few weeks and let you know if I find any good prospects. In the meantime, don't feel too sorry for me, at least I have this handsome man to keep me warm at night.